With everything that has happened to you, you can feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.”  –  Wayne Dyer

It started as a normal evening; we had eaten dinner and cleared away and were going through our usual dog routine before bed. As is customary I went to take Smokey, one of our dogs to bed, I called him and bent down. The next few seconds became a blur… he lunged and attacked me. Our other dog was shrieking; it was total mayhem for about 10-15 seconds. I was left stunned  with a huge gash on my calf and shin and a couple of minor wounds on my ankle and arm. In that moment the world shifted. The incident was over as quickly as it started and our usually delightful Sprocker had returned to his normal gentle self. There had been no indication of anything unusual and if I hadn’t got the wounds to show, I would not have believed that it had happened.

Still in a state of shock, I cleaned and dressed the wounds deciding to review in the morning. The next day, still in a state of shock I called my GP practice. The result was a visit to plastic surgery followed by two procedures under general anaesthetic in 48 hours. There remained however, a very difficult decision to be made; one neither my partner nor I wanted to make.  Smokey was his normal fun loving happy self, full of beans and wanting to play. We consulted our vet, Edward who had guided us through a challenging time  when our previous dog was diagnosed with cancer. He had supported us all in enabling her to die naturally and so he was our natural first port of call. Together after much heart searching, we recognised that this was only likely to get worse and made the gut wrenching decision to euthanise. We both hated the idea of ‘playing God’ but knowing that there was something fundamentally wrong, some neurological shift was happening and we had little choice. The world seemed to take on a surreal quality.

Since then, my days have been deeply sad and full of questions as I try to make some sense out of the purpose of all of this. Last night as I slept, I had a vision of Smokey, he was full of energy and joy. It was if he wanted me to know all was well. With this fresh in my mind  my partner drove me to Odstock Down so I could sit and be in nature, while he took our other dog for a walk. After a couple of minutes two kites appeared, flowing with the thermals; their message seemed to be ‘go with the flow, there is a reason for everything’. As I watched them soaring overhead a dragonfly flew in front of me; the majesty of the kites contrasting with the diminutive dragonfly. I breathed a deep breath and smiled; life is as it is supposed to be.

I spend as much time as I can outside in nature, it is where I feel connected and part of a greater whole. These last few days, being unable to work, I have spent more time emersed in nature, observing and feeling my connection deepening. In the garden I have noticed very small subtle changes in the plants and the plethora of insects that inhabit our garden.  I have had the pleasure of seeing the hummingbird hawk moths taking nectar from our honeysuckle, the new resident song thrush searching for food in the shrubbery, the myriads of butterflies, bees and hover flies busying about. Gradually my pain, both emotional and physical is dissipating as I understand the importance of stillness and connection. The world today is a noisy, challenging place, full of egos and white noise, yet we can still find peace and connection with the things that matter in those quiet moments away from the hustle and bustle.

I am choosing to use this time as a gift. A time to connect with myself and nature and to move forwards, grateful for the time I had with Smokey and all the things I am now learning.